I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
