My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
