i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
