I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
