It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
