I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
