i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
As shirtless as possible
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
