o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
