I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
