His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
