he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How external is "for external use only"?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
