this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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