Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
