I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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