i don't like sucking hair
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
