life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
