im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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