I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
