My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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