worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
