You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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