Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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