Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
