Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
