You can't special order awesome
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
