Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
