That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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