I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
