Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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