Already got asked if we're dating
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
