i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
