I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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