Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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