Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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