he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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