hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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