Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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