I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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