This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
