White coat. Heels.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
