Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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