Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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