if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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