if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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