Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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