you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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