tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
