The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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