I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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