ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
