You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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